so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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