Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
