Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
