What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
