Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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