afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
pray to the hookup gods
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
