Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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