I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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