it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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