Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
