Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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