he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
