your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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