Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
