So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
