I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
