Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
