when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
