All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
