we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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