I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
