I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
