Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
