____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
