He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
