A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Oh god it's open bar.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
