my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
