Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
