god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
