So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
