Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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