Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
