Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
