Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
