You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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