I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
wanna go halves on a baby?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I need to sanitize my soul.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
