Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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