There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
