she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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