I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Randomize
