This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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