I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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