Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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