Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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