Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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