Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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