I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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