Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
