where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
