If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
