could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
