Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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