I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
