gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We smell like vodka and hangover
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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