How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
